Broke da Mouth: Da Spam Power Rankings

I tried 15 flavors of Spam. Which one going reign supreme?
spam varieties


Editor’s note: As of 2022, Hormel no longer makes 15 kinds of Spam, though many varieties on this list can still be found.


Spam Jam stay pau already, but for diehard Spam fans like me, any day is Spam day. For this piece I going rank da different Spams from da worstest to da firstest. I always knew get all different kine Spams, but I nevah bothered for count how many get. Get 15 now! Before making this ranking I had only tried six. Some people told me that they thought some flavors wuz more rare, but I no think das da case. I think it’s just one matter of what supermarket you go. Most stores no carry ’em all. I found ’em all or close to all at Foodland and Don Quijote.


Lotta these flavors been around for kinda long already, but funny cuz I still get some clueless friends like Mariko Merritt who lives in her own little art world. She wuz all like, “I didn’t even know Spam came in flavors!” Read on and see where your favorite flavor going rank.


No. 15: Teriyaki


This da most disappointing Spam outta all da Spams cuz generally speaking, teriyaki Spam’s my favorite. When I go 7-Eleven I always get da teriyaki Spam musubi. But for da Teriyaki Spam in this can, da teriyaki sauce seems geared more for da continental taste palate, meaning it tastes waaay too sweet. I might be more inclined for call this Sugar Spam. So for da record, I looove teriyaki Spam, just not THIS Teriyaki Spam.


No. 14: Portuguese sausage


I had high hopes for this one. Cuz I get lotta local friends on top da continent who stay craving Portuguese sausage cuz no can find, they said. This might’ve been da solution to their problem. Unfortunately, da texture stay so different that this tastes nothing like Portuguese sausage. It tastes more like somebody chewed up some Portuguese sausage then fed ’em to you. One of my daughters who loves Portuguese sausage summed it up best. “This is yucky.”


No. 13: Black pepper


This flavor is probably proof that da food scientists at Hormel ran out of ideas, brah. They must’ve been all like, Hmmmm … Spam tastes like salt, what goes with salt? Pepper! Let’s make a pepper one. I never think this one would taste good. And it didn’t. Lol.


No. 12: Turkey


I think this da only Spam das totally not made from pig. I guess da point of this one is it’s for people who no can eat pork. To me da texture’s kinda off, slightly more coarse. And it’s weird how da texture kinda lingers in your mouth. Eat this if it’s your only Spam option.


No. 11: Lite


I always thought this product wuz kinda ironicals, cuz it’s like they trying for sell “healthy” Spam. Lol. It’s similar to da 25% Less Sodium Spam, but this one also get less calories and half da fat. Only get half da taste too. Instead of sacrificing taste, I would rather watch da portion size, so maybe instead of eating one whole slice of this, maybe just eat half one slice of regular Spam. At least you’ll enjoy it.


No. 10: Cheese


This one has bits of cheese in ’em. I thought wuz kinda hard for detect da cheese taste. If you like Spam and cheese that much, I think might be better for just add your own slice of cheese on top.


No. 9: Chorizo


I wuzn’t sure what kinda chorizo this wuz supposed to be. Get spicy chorizo and sweet chorizo and this one tries for be both. I think das why it doesn’t fully succeed.


No. 8: Hickory smoke


In my mind I thought this wuz going be super horrible, cuz normally I hate foods that get that fake liquid smokey taste. This wuzn’t as bad as it could’ve been. I kinda ambivalent about this one.


No. 7: Bacon


You no can go into this thinking you going get bacon, cuz it still has da texture of Spam, just with da taste of bacon. This made me realize that I like da taste of bacon, but I also like how bacon get that chewier red portion and that fatty yellow part das super ono when you fry ’em so it comes really crispy. I kinda liked this, but in da end I rather just eat real bacon.


No. 6: Jalapeno


I wuz impressed that get real bits of jalapeno peppers inside. Had more kick that I wuz expecting!


No. 5: Hot & Spicy


This one gets its spice from red pepper and paprika. At first I wuz all like, this isn’t spicy at all, then it kinda had a few-second delay before da heat kicked in. I thought da spice wuz sufficient. Wuz funny cuz I gave some to Grace Lee from Hawaii News Now and she said, “This isn’t spicy at all.” I said, “You Korean das why.” Lol.


No. 4: Classic


Da original Spam is one classic! And I thought it could not be improved upon, but I wuz wrong! Try check out what made #1.


No. 3: Tocino


My dessert chef friend Xana Starr wuz raving about this. She said, “Finally a Spam for Filipino people!” Tocino is like Spanish bacon, and one variation of tocino is supposed to be super popular in da Philippines. This one reminded me of my grandma’s plantation-style Spam where before frying ’em up, da old-timers would add a little bit of sugar for balance out da salty. This taste mo’ bettah than my grandma’s one! Good stuff.


No. 2: Garlic


Out of all da Spams, this one tasted da most high-class, like Spam steak almost. Da garlic really elevates this to one whole noddah level.


No. 1: 25% less sodium


This wuz da most surprising discovery for me. I had never thought for even try this Spam before. Even for this ranking assignment my editor said, “No need try the less sodium and the lite.” Can tell she not one Spam eater. But I wanted for be thorough. Plus I wuz especially curious about this one cuz my friend with master chef skills, Chloe Chong, she always brags how her Spam musubi is da bes, but she always refuses for share any of her secrets. But then one day Little Miss Big Head let it slip that she loves this version of Spam, so I figure this must be her secret ingre-da-ment! Lol. I never knew how salty regular Spam wuz until I tried this one and ate da two side-by-side. Spam regular is so salty that it actually masks da taste of da Spam. This 25% Less Sodium one actually tastes more like Spam than regular Spam!