NctrnlBst: The Owner’s Guide and Maintenance Manual
Congratulations!! You are now the proud owner of the fully automated NctrnlBst unit. To ensure that you get the full use and benefits of your beloved geek, please pay close attention to the following instructions.
Basic Information:
Model: NctrnlBst on most social networking sites
Date of Manufacture: Friday, the 10th of February, 1978
Place of Manufacture: Honolulu, HI
Your NctrnlBst unit comes with the following accessories:
* A Fedora Hat
* An Assortment of Tattoos
* A Nikon D300S DSLR
* A Nikon D80 DSLR
* An Apple MacBook Pro
* An Apple iPad
* A Mifi for internet access any where
* An iPhone 4
Programming: Your NctrnlBst unit is extremely user friendly, and he will gladly carry out the following functions:
* Pastry Chef: Despite not being able to work due to a work accident, this unit is a fully trained and skilled baker, chocolatier and food sculptor.
* Blogger/Food Writer: This unit is a skilled writer, and had been blogging in one form or another since 2003, with more to come. You can find his blog, Baker’s Hours, here at Nonstop Honolulu.
* Photographer: This unit is a self taught photographer who admittedly still has a lot to learn, but that’s half the fun.
* Sharp Come-Back/Random Pop Culture Reference Generator: This unit will not let anything go past him. If he’s insulted or irritated in any kind of way, he’ll be sure to come up with a sharp come-back or obscure pop culture reference which he’ll throw at his offender.
Miscellaneous Trivia Database: Unlike other models, which only use 10% of their processor capability, the NctrnlBst unit uses a full 100% of its processing capacity. Unfortunately, 90% of it is useless information.
Bodyguard: Even though he’s never taken any professional courses, the NctrnlBst unit is extremely protective of its friendly units, and is skilled in various self-defense and attack strategies. You can rest assured that you’ll be safe when you’re around him… except if he’s too bored to protect you, or is perversely amused by seeing you suffer.
Your NctrnlBst unit will come with six different modes:
* Happy (default)
* Bored
* Irritated
* Pissed Off
* Guilty
* Stressed
This unit is known to be usually happy. You will notice that whenever you speak to him. However, if an Internet failure, or writer’s block, or lack of TV shows should occur, this will result in the activation of the Bored setting, which will be accompanied by constant whining and sudden outbursts of annoyance.
The Irritated setting is activated whenever this unit encounters ignorant people, bad drivers, laziness, hypocrisy, or whenever his DVR fails to record one of his favorite shows. Be sure to avoid these things at all costs.
The Pissed Off setting is activated when this unit is offended or wronged in any way. In such situations, it’s best to avoid interactions with this unit, because it would result in extremely violent outburst and mild tantrums. It’s only safe to talk to the unit again when he stops shaking.
The Guilty setting is activated when this unit does something wrong. This will result in extreme restlessness on the unit’s side, and since he’s not very good at apologies, it will continue for a while. It’s best to talk to the unit to get everything sorted out before he cracks due to his guilty conscience.
The Stressed setting is activated very rarely, especially since he always takes a relaxed approach toward things. He will however get stressed if overworked.
Cleaning: The NctrnlBst is a self-cleaning unit. (Available since upgrade 5.0)
Energy: The types of fuel that this unit dislikes are too numerous to name, however it will try anything once. This unit dislikes it when other units do not like a type of fuel without trying it first. It is fine if a unit tries a new fuel and doesn’t like it, but a unit should never say that it doesn’t like something without trying it first. The most favorite form of fuel for this unit are Chai lattes. So a steady stream of them will keep your NctrnlBst Unit in good working order.
Warranty: With proper care and maintenance, your unit will function for many years to come. However, if for some reason you can’t stand to have a certain unit in your house, tell him that you’ll buy him all the Chai lattes he wants, on the condition that he leaves, and he’ll be off in no time!
