Don’t Call Me Aunty

As a food writer, I’m used to having businesses reach out and ask me to visit. But one recent invite shocked me, or rather shook me.

“Aloha Aunty, would love for you to come and try some food if you are available,” read the Instagram DM from a food truck.

“Aunty?!” I wrote back immediately.

He apologized, explaining that he’s only 18 and didn’t mean offense.

The next day, another eatery reached out with their DM: “Howzit Aunty, … we’d love to invite you to stop by!”

Once again, I told her she shouldn’t call anyone that without knowing them. I know, I know, I know. It’s a Hawai‘i thing, and they were just trying to be respectful, as many people have reminded me. But despite a lack of ill intention, I still felt slighted. What about respecting my desire to not feel older than I already am?  Since I am pretty old, I have been “Auntied” for a few decades now, and no matter how many birthdays pass, it doesn’t get less aggravating.

I get that some people love being called “Aunty” because they see it as local-style respect for elders. But I’m not the only one who doesn’t want elder respect.

Image: Getty Images

To be clear: I’m OK with my actual nieces and nephews calling me “Aunty.” I’m also fine with little kids doing it. Just not adults. Maybe there needs to be an age limit, like at buffets. Children up to age 12 can eat free and call strangers “Aunty” or “Uncle.” Anyone older should proceed with caution.

I remember going to sexual harassment training at a past job and being instructed to greet strangers with just a handshake. Even though we like to hug in Hawai‘i, the trainer said, we have to consider the other person’s comfort level.

In the two food business incidents I described earlier, I explained that since they are ambitious entrepreneurs, they may one day need investors to take their businesses to the next level. In no way would it be OK for them to walk into an office and address an investor as “Aunty” or “Uncle.” My plea to them was to realize this now so they’re prepared for that big day.

My friend Shari recently saw an older woman with white hair walking down the street, who was possibly in her 70s. As they passed, my friend politely nodded and said, “howzit,” and the woman replied, “Hi Aunty.” Shari was peeved that someone who was at least 20 years older than her would say that. “I was getting annoyed at the people telling me not to take it personally, that I’m being oversensitive and have to face reality,” she told me. “But when someone is clearly way older than you, they should not be calling you an aunty. And if that person is not too much younger than you, same thing!”

It made me wonder why we always feel the need to use a title. Why not just call me Melissa? I’m also perfectly fine with strangers talking to me without giving me any label. That keeps their assumptions about me to themselves, where they should remain.

Melissa Chang is a regular contributor to HONOLULU and Frolic Hawai‘i. @melissa808