Ages & Stages: Effective Discipline Through the Ages

Ages 3 to 5

As your child grows and begins to understand the connection between actions and consequences, make sure you start communicating the rules of your family’s home.

Explain to kids what you expect of them before you punish them for certain behaviors.

The earlier parents establish the “I set the rules and you’re expected to listen or accept the consequences” standard, the better for everyone. Although it’s sometimes easier for parents to ignore occasional bad behavior or not follow through on some threatened punishment, this sets a bad precedent.

Consistency is the key to effective discipline, and it’s important for parents to decide what the rules are and then uphold them.

While you become clear on what behaviors will be punished, don’t forget to reward good behaviors. Don’t underestimate the positive effect that your praise can have—discipline is not just about punishment but also about teaching and recognizing good behavior.

If your child continues an unacceptable behavior no matter what you do, try making a chart with a box for each day of the week. Decide how many times your child can misbehave before a punishment kicks in or how long the proper behavior must be displayed before it is rewarded. Post the chart on the refrigerator and then track the good and unacceptable behaviors every day. This will give your child (and you) a concrete look at how it’s going. Once this begins to work, praise your child for learning to control misbehavior and, especially, for overcoming any stubborn problem.

Timeouts also can work well for kids at this age. Establish a suitable timeout place that’s free of distractions and will force your child to think about how he or she has behaved. Experts say one minute for each year of age is a good rule of thumb; others recommend using the timeout until the child has calmed down.

It's important to teach kids the right things to do, not just tell them what's wrong.  Ages 6 to 8

Timeouts and consequences are also effective discipline strategies for this age group.

Again, consistency is crucial, as is follow through. Make good on any promises of discipline or you risk undermining your authority. Kids have to believe that you mean what you say. This is not to say you can’t give second chances or allow a certain margin of error, but, for the most part, you should act on what you say.

Be careful not to make unrealistic threats of punishment in anger, since not following through could weaken all your threats. The credibility you’ll gain with your kids is much more valuable than a lost beach day.

Ages 9 to 12

Kids in this age group—as with all ages—can be disciplined with natural consequences. As they mature and request more independence and responsibility, teaching them to deal with the consequences of their behavior is an effective and appropriate method of discipline.

If homework is incomplete, your child will go to school the next day without it and suffer the resulting bad grade.

It’s natural for parents to want to rescue kids from mistakes, but, in the long run, they do kids a favor by letting them fail sometimes. Kids see what behaving improperly can mean and probably won’t make the same mistakes again.