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Sour Poi Awards 2011

(page 3 of 3)


Illustrations: Tom Richmond

Nah, just excited about learning.

A University of Hawaii student got caught posting online photos of himself posing in UH M-anoa classrooms, clad only in a Speedo; he had also recorded a video of himself masturbating in a classroom. The Speedo Student, as he became known nationwide, received academic probation for his after-hours hijinks, but also got an apology from school newspaper Ka Leo, which had suggested he had committed a crime, and that he was dangerous.

 

In other news, the line to Hell is extra long this year.

Theft is always a bad thing, of course, but some thefts seem especially gratuitous. Thieves made off this year with a bunch of unexpected items, including: The cross from St. Philip’s Episcopal Church, the brass fittings from the City and County’s fire-prevention standpipes, custom-designed trophies from a children’s gymnastics club, $11,500 from the Makakilo-Kapolei-Honokai Little League, and two separate crematorial urns. Luckily, one of the urns was returned, and the other was recovered by police from a suspect’s car.

Nude. James Nude.

In June, police responding to a Kalihi business’s early-morning burglary alarm discovered a 17-year-old hiding inside, clad only in his underwear. He had apparently shimmied in through an air vent, leaving his clothes on the roof.

Making “A”

A pack of 50 to 100 feral donkeys have been causing a ruckus in Waikoloa Village, walking on the roads, drinking out of swimming pools and making a general nuisance of themselves.  This past year’s drought has intensified the problem, and raised fears that 400 to 600 more donkeys on ranchland surrounding the village might break through their fences in search of water.

Not so much

Hannemann played the race card more than once in his unsuccessful gubernatorial run: A “Compare and Decide” brochure mailed out to voters across the state pointed out that Neil Abercrombie was born in New York, and seemed to list as a negative that Abercrombie’s wife is haole. In a speech to the Hawai‘i Carpenters Union, Hannemman again played up his local credentials, saying, “When I look in the audience, I look like you, you look like me. Is that a right thing to say?”

Department of Public Safety

In 2010, some of the men and women tasked with keeping us safe decided to do some lawbreaking of their own. Among the charges: faking overtime reports, promoting drugs, fighting with a civilian, assaulting a Waikīkī prostitute, stealing a video game from Walmart, and hitting a 61-year-old woman in a crosswalk near A‘ala Park while under the influence. In September, Honolulu Police Chief Louis Kealoha said that, all in all, five officers out of the 2,000-member force were being investigated for major crimes, and there were an additional 17 officers with cases at the prosecutor’s office.

 

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,January

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