Restaurant Guide: Restaurant Astrology

When food is in the Seventh House and Hunger aligns with Bars...


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Illustration by: Andrew Catanzariti


Hey baby, what’s your food sign? You look like a groovy gourmet lover. Try our horoscope-based recommendations for some of the Islands’ best restaurants.
 

Aries

(March 21 to April 19)

Famous for needing to slow down, people born under Aries make for good race-car drivers. Put the brakes on, buddy! You need a tropical cocktail in each hand and a stunning sunset view. Try The Beach House Restaurant, where the potent Tikitinis ($8.75) contain coconut rum, amaretto, mango liqueur and more. If that won’t cool your engines, we don’t know what will.  5022 Lawai Road, Koloa, (Kauai), (808) 742-1424.
 

 

Taurus

(April 20 to May 20)

If a stubborn, self-indulgent and comfort-seeking bull asks you, “Where’s the beef?” you just steer him—pardon the pun—to Huli Sue’s for some barbecue. This meat-lovers’ paradise has pork ribs, beef ribs, plates of mixed barbecued meats, beef brisket, Black Angus burgers and meat topped with chili. Choose your sauce from the finger lickin’ goodness in Island-inspired flavors such as crackseed or pineapple sugar cane. 64-957 Mamalahoa Highway (the Big Island), (808) 885-6268.
 

Gemini

(May 21 to June 20)

Youthful and restless, Geminis are a classic air sign. For the actually youthful, the Lahaina Grill has a surprisingly extensive keiki menu. You won’t find stale chicken nuggets here; instead, try the sweet Kula corn chowder and a penne pasta with mini meatballs. For dessert, order a mini berry pie (the restaurant is renowned for its pie) with a goblet of 2 percent milk. 127 Lahainaluna Road (Maui) (808) 667-5117.
 

Cancer

(June 21 to July 22)

Moody and literary-minded, a Cancer needs a dish worthy of serious contemplation. How about pan roasted venison loin, served over a wild mushroom risotto, with a fruit compote of cherries, apricots and dates and finished with a port wine reduction? Mmm. It’s $38 at Lanai City Grille. Inside the Hotel Lanai , 828 Lanai Ave., (Lanai), (808) 565-7211.
 

Leo

(July 23 to Aug. 22)

Ambitious, extroverted and creative, Leos are born performers. (Madonna is a famous example.) So what would an image-conscious, middle-age pop star likely order? The cold tofu salad at Panya Bistro. This dish ($10.95) features cubes of tofu served in a big bowl over crisp greens, with heaps of bean sprouts, cherry tomatoes, sliced onion, cucumbers, furikake and croutons (you just know Madonna would pick those out). Ala Moana Center, 946-6388.
 

Virgo

(Aug. 23 to Sept. 22)

Obsessed with being organized,  a Virgo is likely to get turned on by a gadget like a label maker. And closet-organization showrooms? Fits of ecstasy. So take your favorite Virgo—in all his or her picky, exacting glory—to The Counter. Why? they can create made-to-order burgers using a tidy menu. Check off the type of meat (or vegetarian option), cheese, toppings, sauce and bun. Virgos will also examine the menu for examples of poor grammar, but hey, let them have their fun. Custom burgers from $8.95. Kahala Mall, 739-5100.
 

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